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We all know how it works. Colleges beg you to come to their school, through relentless emails and snail mail, and then you get into all the colleges you could ever want to go to. The college admissions staff at Shmarvard has overstepped their bounds this year by bribing a student with candy to consider submitting an application to their prestigious university.

As high schools get less competitive with less and less AP courses, admissions officers keep lowering their standards. Almost anyone can get into the top universities in the country as long as they can spell their name. Admission rates at Shmarvard this year are expected to near 99%. This is why admissions officer Jesus Jesuster was forced to bribe the multiple students to apply to the school, hoping to get the admissions rate down to at least 98%.

Colleges like Shmarvard and Shminceton are now forced to send emails, begging students to apply because otherwise they wouldn’t get a single applicant! Jesuster was likely only the first of what will become a wave of bribery throughout the nation. Colleges simply need more applicants if they are going to stay afloat.

The good news is with admissions rates reaching record highs, the future of the students is truly in his or her hands. The student only needs to decide which path they wish to follow.

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